A murderous plot, or revenge of the lawn

Dont look now, American Canyon homeowner, but your lawn is out to get you. In fact, both lawns, front and back, are conspiring to do you in even as you read this. Your plots are plotting.

Right now those innocent looking green expanses are arguing over the method of homicide and which of them gets to bury the body.

Currently, the consensus is for stabbing: After all, lawns have plenty of blades. But poisoning is also an option. Over the years, your lawn has collected lethal quantities of pesticides and weed-killer.

But, you protest, what have I ever done to my lawn to deserve such malevolence? I love my lawn. Dont I feed it, water it, trim it, and remove unsightly weeds?

Its not what youve done, grasshopper, its what youre going to do.

The lawns motivation for this murderous plan is the same as that of megalomaniacal supercomputer Hal 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey: self-preservation.

Grass isnt as green as it looks. The old sod knows about your plan to let it die of thirst this summer. The lawn is planning to strike first, before it gets too withered.

Dont deny it, you know its true. The drought is going to force you to choose between you taking a shower or letting your lawn have it. I dont know about you, but I view a shower as a daily necessity, especially in warm weather. And while its a matter of comfort for you (and those around you), to the lawn its a case of survival.

And as much as you might try to share a cup for you, a thimbleful for the lawn at some point you will realize you are only prolonging the agony. You know how it is with grass: Give it an inch, it takes a yard.

And as the summer wears on, the choices are likely to get even more difficult.

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A murderous plot, or revenge of the lawn