Offside: Let the others do the talking

Jose Mourinho claimed that Chelsea's club masseur gave the team talk when the Blues beat Manchester City recently. Here is what we imagined it would be like if other employees were to give the pep talk ahead of tonight's two big matches.

Manchester United v Liverpool

Team talk from United's feng shui master - Fight on. Don't give up although this season we won't be getting any medals.

But I promise everybody a discount on my Divine Lucky Water Fountain. Wayne Rooney, you can buy 100 for everyone based on your weekly salary.

Support David Moyes. His fortune will improve once I exorcise the Giant Demon Of Hopelessness out of him.

I just don't have the resources to do that now because making Robin van Persie stop whining uses up all my mystic herbs from China.

People say we don't frighten anyone at Old Trafford any more.

No, Liverpool will fear us. I've put the curse of the Fiery Red Devil on them. I gave them tea that'll make them dash to the loo during penalty kicks.

Team talk from Liverpool's tea lady - Right, lads, spit out all that complimentary rubbish tea from Man United.

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Offside: Let the others do the talking