Why Tho? Weve been warned about you! Neighbors find theyre the Boo Radleys of the subdivision – OregonLive

This is the latest installment of The Oregonian/OregonLives advice column, Why Tho? by Lizzy Acker. Lizzys advice first appears in our weekly advice newsletter. Want to get it early? Subscribe now.

Dear Lizzy,

Ive lived in my neighborhood for almost 30 years. The first 15 were great. Everyone got along, lent and borrowed tools, dug each others cars out of the snow, celebrated holidays, babysat back and forth, helped with school assignments, etc. Over time kids grew up, seniors aged, people moved in and out; somewhere along the line, we became the Boo Radleys of our subdivision.

My wife and I had a misunderstanding with a neighbor many years ago. She said we agreed to pay half for a new fence she needed for a dog she planned to buy. We said we were happy with the existing fence, but were willing to consider contributing, though we had questions about price, style, etc. She assured us the fence building was down the road and wed talk again, but when we returned from vacation a few weeks later the fence was mid-install. She was furious when we declined to pay half the excessive bill her friend presented to us when it was done. Somehow gossip about us reneging on our promise spread through the development.

Since then anything that happens near us is interpreted through this lens. Case in point: Parkgoers left a bag of trash in our front yard a night before trash pick-up. Our trash can was full so I put the bag of trash in a neighbors half-empty can on the curb. The next morning I discovered this neighbor had emptied the trash all over our front yard and driveway and started a rumor that we were stealing services from him.

Were some of the few original residents left in the neighborhood. Id hoped that if we just bided our time, the old-timers would move and we could start fresh with the new folks, but the other old-timers, and even some of the newcomers, seem to be continuing to trash us the minute anyone new moves in. Example: I was just getting to know a new couple when suddenly they gave me the cold shoulder. I asked if Id done something to offend them. The husband whirled around with an angry red face, jabbed his pointer finger in my face and said, Weve been warned about you!

Were surrounded by people who shun us, people who have no firsthand knowledge of the thing theyre shunning us about. They seem to be bonding over gossip about us. Its really uncomfortable.

Any suggestions?

Boo

Dear Boo,

This is a tricky, tricky question and I do not envy your predicament. Neighbors are one of those things you cant easily change that can make your life very difficult.

But I think you need to start by taking an unflinching inventory of what actually happened with your neighbors.

The fence is an unfortunate situation and I would say your neighbor acted inappropriately. Still, with a fence on a shared property line, according to the law, you are obligated to pay half.

Have you ever paid anything for the fence? Are you still neighbors with these people? I would start there. Pay for half the fence or pay for it to be cleaned up and fixed. It may be through gritted teeth, but, in hindsight, being the bigger person may have saved you years of trouble.

As far as the garbage, this is another unfortunate situation. The neighbor whose can you put the trash in probably didnt know it wasnt your trash because you didnt communicate that to them. You dont know if they had plans to fill their can up. Because you and your neighbors have communicated only through actions and not actual words, theres a lot you all dont know.

So you need to start communicating. Write a heartfelt note to the garbage can neighbors. Apologize, for real and not in a qualified way.

Then maybe consider getting involved in your neighborhood in a concrete way. Adopt your block and start picking up trash and meeting people in a positive way. Start or join a Neighborhood Emergency Team and help your neighborhood prepare for emergencies.

Then, invite all your neighbors over for a barbecue or for popsicles. Try talking to them. Try hearing their side.

If all else fails, sell your house, make a ton of money, and move to a new neighborhood. Once you get there, remember, sometimes when you pay for half a fence, you are actually paying for a lot more than just a fence.

Lizzy

Got a burning question for Lizzy? Email her at lacker@oregonian.com.

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Why Tho? Weve been warned about you! Neighbors find theyre the Boo Radleys of the subdivision - OregonLive