Grieve, then clear the decks for a really wonderful guy

Dear Carolyn

DEAR CAROLYN: How important is it for me to express my thoughts and feelings about the end of our relationship to my ex? I dated this wonderful guy for a few months, and then one day he said via email that he didnt think we were a good fit, and that was the end. We had one phone conversation that ended up being me asking questions and him getting defensive. I havent seen him face-to-face since the day before the breakup.

I have completely opposite thoughts as him, apparently. I thought things were wonderful and I really, really liked him. Now Im having a hard time moving on because, literally, the only bad memory I have of him is the email. I think he is wrong and I dont feel like I ever got a chance to say what I thought.

Ive been hanging on to hope that he will come back. Ive been trying to decide whether or not to contact him to clarify what hed said (though the email language is pretty final) and to find out if he cares what my thoughts are on the subject. Thoughts and help?

Post-Breakup Blues

DEAR POST-BREAKUP BLUES: Im sorry. Im sorry things didnt work out as you had hoped. Im sorry he cut you off abruptly. Im sorry you didnt see any signs to prepare you. Im sorry your last conversation gave you no satisfaction.

And Im sorry I cant offer you anything youre asking of me. I cant say, Yes, contact him, share your thoughts because he has made clear where he stands on your thoughts by not asking for them.

Hope, meanwhile, does nothing for you. It not only holds you in a place the facts dont support, but also actively talks you out of accepting what the facts are saying. Fact: He chose not to keep dating you. Fact: He has not taken any steps to reverse this choice. Fact: Breakups dont have to be fair or logical.

Accordingly, I cant leave the notion unchallenged that he is wrong and you are right, because this is not a math problem. If he writes the equation of your relationship as 1 + 1 (equal sign) 0, then thats as correct as he needs to be. You can be perfect for each other (assuming there were some objective way to measure that), and still split just because one of you wants to.

But heres a different kind of fact thats actually in your favor, if you choose to embrace it: What makes a relationship wonderful is two people who mutually, gratefully seek each others company.

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Grieve, then clear the decks for a really wonderful guy