East Lyme’s Harfenist took a step back from coaching in a pandemic … for good reason – theday.com

It is a multigenerational home where East Lyme High School boys' cross country coach Sam Harfenist lives with his parents Marilyn and Michael and his soon-to-be 2-year-old daughter Anna, who accounts for a great deal of liveliness in the Glastonbury residence.

Like Sam and his parents did when he was growing up in Congers, N.Y., the family eats dinner together every night.

"I like my life. It's good," Harfenist said. "I can't ask for anything more."

In April, however, things became more complicated. Marilyn, then 70, wasn't feeling well, ultimately diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and advanced ovarian cancer.

The Harfenists were advised that the hospitals with the lowest rate of COVID-19 infections at that time were William W. Backus Hospital in Norwich and Lawrence + Memorial Hospital in New London, but the local ambulance service would only be willing to transport Marilyn to Hartford, Sam said. So Sam Harfenist drove his car across the front lawn to the door, loaded his mother in the car and drove her to the hospital himself.

She remained hospitalized at Backus for 22 days, with no visitors allowed due to the coronavirus. The first night, a doctor told Sam and his father by telephone that Marilyn's life was in danger. Neither slept. By the next morning, things were more optimistic. Doctors began to break up the clot in Marilyn's lung. Throughout her hospital stay, first in the intensive care unit, she was able to speak to her family by FaceTime, although she would still need surgery and the ensuing chemotherapy to treat the ovarian cancer.

And suddenly Sam Harfenist realized that his everyday routine of teaching science and coaching cross country at East Lyme needed to change, at least temporarily, with Harfenist unwilling to take the chance of being exposed to the coronavirus and then transmitting it to his parents.

"Harf," as he became known to his runners over his 12 seasons as head coach, took the fall off from coaching, replaced on an interim basis by successful East Lyme girls' cross country coach Mike Flynn, who coached both teams. The Vikings had won three consecutive Class MM state championships headed into the 2020 season.

"It was the right decision," said Harfenist, 38, in a recent telephone conversation. "It still didn't make it any easier.

"As we moved closer to fall, it didn't appear the season was going to happen (due to COVID). Everything kept on changing. When everything was going to start, we found out the kids could be without masks while running. The school was very nice to me; I have an air filter and purifier and I have lots of plexiglass in the classroom. But unless I was going to coach from the top row of the bleachers ... I felt my family is very important. I don't want to be the person to bring it home.

"It was just a very, very difficult decision. We are very familial on our team. Steve (Hargis, East Lyme athletic director) was phenomenal in granting me leave."

Sam became a regular at his mother's chemo appointments at Hartford Hospital, allowing his 74-year-old father to stay at home and away from potential exposure to COVID.

He learned the specifics of ovarian cancer, which is difficult to detect in its early stages and easy to metastasize or spread to other organs.

And he wound up cooking the family's dinners.

"I treat it like a chemistry experiment," Harfenist said with a laugh of his time in the kitchen. "Generally, I don't succeed at the cooking piece. I can make eggs, pasta, I can make chicken. I cannot do really high-tech meals. Some forms of hamburgers. One thing I'm really looking forward to when the pandemic is over is going to a restaurant."

***

On a given day during past seasons, until COVID-19 altered the logistics this year, Sam Harfenist would have seven or eight cross country runners eating lunch in his classroom, covering various topics of conversation or using his printer.

"I like to think one of the things about our team, we have a good environment that kids want to perform," Harfenist said. "We're better than we look on paper."

In 2017, the Vikings began their run of Class MM state championships, first ending Norwich Free Academy's 60-meet winning streak during the regular season, then tacking on a victory at the Eastern Connecticut Conference championship behind individual winner Sam Whittaker. It was East Lyme's first state championship since 1970.

A repeat came the following year. Whittaker was the Class MM individual champion and Chris Abbey was second, leading the Vikings to the team title by an overwhelming 53-118 margin over runner-up E.O. Smith. Harfenist, at the time, called the title "equal, if not better than the first one."

Then came the 2019 season, without Whittaker, who graduated and went to run at Division I Bucknell. East Lyme placed three runners in the top 10, led by then-sophomore Luke Anthony in second, on the way to a third straight title.

The state championship meets were not conducted this year due to the coronavirus.

"Coach Harf played a large role within the team in and outside of practice," said Anthony, who helped fill the void left by Whittaker. "From reading out our splits on the track to team lunches, coach Harf was there to help us secure our three state championships."

Funny that Harfenist, a graduate of Clarkstown High School North in New York and Connecticut College where he majored in biochemistry, never ran growing up or thought of himself as coaching.

"I never intended to coach," Harfenist said. "I was (longtime East Lyme girls' track coach) Carl Reichard's student teacher a long time ago. He told me it was my civic duty to help the kids and he roped me into something I knew nothing about. I played basketball but I was not in the running game.

"I've done so many things from running. I made a bet with the kids once, if they accomplished something I would get into shape. I ended up running a marathon. ... When (former coach) Doug Sharples retired, I ended up taking (the cross country job).

"It wasn't necessarily something at the time I wanted. It's kind of a strange thing how it works out. It became very important."

***

For the first few months after his mother was diagnosed and began treatment she underwent four rounds of chemotherapy even before her surgery in July Harfenist told barely a soul about Marilyn's fight with ovarian cancer.

Then he thought, what if talking about it could help someone else?

"It's one of the silent killers," Harfenist said of what he's learned. "Even regular GYN appointments don't necessarily catch it. It's so hard to detect unless you're using sonograms and ultrasounds. If (this story) could help somebody get more regular testing, I would be happy.

"My mom did regular checkups. She's a breast cancer survivor. She would go to regular GYN appointments. Nothing like this ran in our family. Most ovarian cancers are not detected until stage three or four because the symptoms mask themselves as abdominal or gastrointestinal issues. Even though it's a lot less common, it's a lot more deadly."

Still, Harfenist remains grateful ... for the doctors at Backus Hospital who saved Marilyn's life, for the seemingly endless supply of food provided to the family by his colleagues in East Lyme, for the athletes who continued to check in with him and for his daughter Anna's endless chatter, which, he said, provides a diversion around the house.

"She's very inquisitive about the world around her. She likes to explore. She is a very happy kid," Harfenist said. "She knows how to wrap me around her finger, I think. She's pretty good at convincing me that she should get what she wants. She loves blocks and Elmo and Cookie Monster and our cocker spaniel, Jack.

"Having Anna in our family at this time is so incredibly valuable. She doesn't know anything is different. She'll still throw a tantrum when she wants. It's a good piece of normalcy."

Now, Marilyn has finished her chemotherapy treatments. Having resumed in-person learning this fall after teaching virtually due to COVID during the spring, Sam, who looks forward to coaching his runners once again next year, heads down Route 2 each morning from Glastonbury to East Lyme with Anna in the car headed for day care.

He calls the family's outlook "cautiously optimistic."

Said Harfenist: "Things are good and we should be happy. We're hoping for a long period of remission. Each day is important. We're taking it one day at a time. Hopefully, good things will continue to happen."

v.fulkerson@theday.com

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East Lyme's Harfenist took a step back from coaching in a pandemic ... for good reason - theday.com