Ask Polly: Can I Kick My Mom Out of My Life?

You could, but not while you're pregnant and feeling crazy.

Dear Polly,

Since the age of 13 my mother and I haven't gotten along. As a small child I got plenty of love and support from her. I distinctly remember how jarring it was as a teenager when all of a sudden we were fighting constantly.

At first my mom took me to see therapist after therapist, who, one after the other, would tell her that she herself would really benefit from therapy (and then we'd move on to the next one). We had the same fights as any family, but ours seemed to escalate to new dimensions never imagined by my friends and their families. The first time I left home was over not mowing the lawn one week. Then I ran away again after she stole my diary and we had to call the police to settle our domestic dispute. I left at midnight on my 18th birthday to go to college, and promptly self-destructed. Several years later after making a plan to get myself together, my mom welcomed me back into her home while I finished school and worked. I got married to my best friend right after I graduated and moved to NYC, where I've had an amazing career for the past five years.

It seems like my mom and I have been on the road to recovery since then, but lately I've been doubting how much of this is real. The fantasy of having an endearing, stable, and respectful relationship with her might be manipulating my emotions. While I'm immensely proud of the life I've strung together for myself, my mom always has reservations about my accomplishments. We talk on the phone once every two months, but it's mostly about her interests or her gossip, and I usually shove in ten minutes of what I've been doing so I can fish for compliments. We email and I have to write very concrete sentences that won't be misinterpreted and lead to an argument. Her emails are the opposite of this; I am disrespected and made to feel childish and nave.

Lately my therapist and I have been working on the idea that my mom is not capable of being emotionally supportive, and that I'll likely never have the relationship with her that I want. I crave a mom I can talk with about lady stuff and share stories and get advice. I'm only now accepting that isn't in the cards with my mom, and that's not her fault or mine.

And then I got pregnant. My mother-in-law was so thrilled. My mom was less than thrilled. She wanted to know why I wasn't paying off my student loans instead, how I expect to live in a fourth-story walk-up both pregnant and as a new mom, and what if the Crohn's disease medication that my husband is taking hurts the baby?Well, (a) I am paying them off, (b) that's just how we do it in NYC and everyone on my floor has a very small child, and (c) we know it won't because we talked with his doctor and are you really asking if we'd have an abortion?

It is filling me with overwhelming rage thinking about her flinging this bullshit at me and my family. I'm not sure if it's the hormones or what, but I feel the need to protect myself and my child from her. I've been thinking about just ending this relationship altogether. I feel like she has nothing constructive to offer me and my family, and will only bring an onslaught of negative bullshit. My husband agrees with me, and is terrified of her. She works in child protective services, and he's afraid she'll use her position to lodge a complaint against us as parents if we piss her off or she perceives that we're not taking good care of the baby. I don't disagree with him, but I'm not good at anticipating her next move.

All the logical equations in my brain point to think about the best interests of your family" there's my therapist "and get out of this now," but the other part is thinking single mother, gave up everything to raise you, be a good daughter and stop being pregnant and crazy." What do I do? Is that voice just the part that wants the supportive fantasy mom? Is my logical brain thinking in the best interests of my family, or just overreacting?

Can I kick my mom out of my life?

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Ask Polly: Can I Kick My Mom Out of My Life?