Dear John: Satellite Room

By DCist Contributor Alan Zilberman

Located adjacent to The 9:30 Club, Satellite Room is a bar/restaurant that's inspired by diners in Los Angeles. In addition to a menu of comfort foodone that includes everything from tacos to meatloafthis spot is noteworthy for its self-described boozy shakes. For $10, you can get drunk from dessert with shakes named after famous characters from pop culture (the menu has references to Peanuts, Pulp Fiction, The Departed, and even Saved by the Bell). Milk and alcohol can be a potent mix, so after two or more shakes it's important to have facilities that are significantly above average. The bathrooms here are thoughtful, if a little austere, and my most recent visit included one or two unfortunate kinks.

+5 for a concrete floor with a drain: Nobody needs to eat off a bathroom floor (gross), so it follows that function is more important than form. There's no pretense of marble in The Satellite Room; instead, the floors are easy-to-clean concrete with a mild slope for the drain in the middle. The emphasis on cleanliness is admirable. Who cares if the floor is designed like a locker room? The drain implies that the owners are serious about scrubbing everything down.

-4 for a bathroom without light: There are four single-serving, multi-gender bathrooms at Satellite Room, but when I visited the light was out in one of them. I discovered this when a person emerged from the dark bathroom with their iPhone flashlight switched on. It's possible to piss in the dark, I guess, but my emergency wasn't so dire that I was willing to risk a mess. And if a smartphone light source is the only one available, does that then mean one, um, does everything else one-handed? If the answer is "yes," then I admire the dexterity of braves ones willing to enter that void. For me, anyway, the lack of light cuts the available facilities by a quarter.

+1 for minimalist design: There is no pornography on the bathroom walls, nor is there any passive aggressive signage. Instead, the walls are stark black and white, with only a minimum of graffiti (a little graffiti is inevitable). If a bathroom with wall art is meant to inspire specific thoughts, then the austere design is a blank slate by comparison. Are you worried that you name-dropped too much on your first date? Are you feeling guilty that the next round means you're going to sleep in the following morning, not work out? You can think about anything you want while you use the bathrooms at Satellite Room. The only limit is yourself.

-3 for a disregarded pint glass on the toilet: It was strange, even a little alarming, when I ventured into a lit bathroom and found an empty pint glass inside. This implies that someone brought their drink into the bathroom, finished it before or after relieving themselves, then left the sullied glass for everyone else to ponder. I understand how bringing a drink into a bar bathroom is sometimes necessary: Black Cat and Rock' and Roll Hotel both have drink shelves along their wall of stalls. Satellite Room, on the other hand, is a slightly classier establishment. Oh, and we musn't forget that shit is particulate matter, which means that some wretch drank in more than they bargained for.

+3 for a Dyson Air Blade: Longtime readers of this column know my undying love for this hand-drying option, so let me focus on a different aspect of its excellence. When I was in the bathroom, I couldn't help but hear the Air Blade turn on in the private stall opposite mine. In other words, the noise of the hand-dryer offers an unintentional signal that another bathroom is about to open. This can be useful when the line is particularly long, which is yet another reason why paper towels will always remain inferior to thoughtful English engineering.

Overall score: +2. This score is artificially low due to unusual circumstances, yet Satellite Room is a terrific bathroom. It knows it's excellent, and does not go out of its way to call attention to itself. Once all the lights are functional, the facilities will be good enough to inspire measured confidence when it's time to order the boozy shake that's probably a mistake.

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Dear John: Satellite Room